About A Girl

Hair wavy and damp, brushed back away from her face. Her nose is running-decorated in glitter. Now her nose, finger and hair glimmers with colors of blue. “I’m fucked up” she says as her body waves and her thoughts come out aloud disconnected. She drops her phone for the second time beside her foot. She’s searching for something, perhaps a tissue, her lighter, no actually her phone. Again, for the third time she has forgotten something again. She looks down and around; raises her head. A smile lights up across her face-on to find something to drink, preferably water. In the kitchen now to stare at the stove then the fridge. Though she grabs a beer too-a decision to make of which to have first as she quenches both her habit and her thirst. 

Lisa looks into her in blank observation. For a moment she studies the girl before her in her body movements mocking the conflicting options going over in her mind. The move for the night was to make plans for a chill night, a smoke session. But now the dealer is too incompetent as the girl explains. She tells Lisa that he deserves his shitty job at Nachos and Bar. Lisa chuckles slightly to hear the girl’s frustration. In Lisa’s mind now going over what is actually unfortunate. 

An apology to Lisa is begged as the night extends to another hour without progress. “It’s alight, drink something.” Lisa beckons her to come closer. As she does, for a longing hug and a light kiss upon he lips. “It’s okay, do you need to sit?” Lisa pauses as she rubs the girl’s back. “You seem dizz.” 

“Oh no I’m fine, thank you.” The girl smiles again. 

Turning away from the embrace, the girl places her elbows onto the island countertop. Her head rest between her palms. “I’m sorry, just I took too many drugs and then I drank alcohol… and I don’t think that was a great idea now that I’m so fucked. I was looking for a good high and now I’m just.. I feel bad.” She raises her head from her palms to sniff, to wipe her nose again. “Do you mind?” Lisa tells her “no, you’re alright with me.” 

The girl lays her head on Lisa’s shoulder; brushing back her damp hair now. She kisses her on top her head. “You’re alright with me.”

“Thank you”, the girl whispers. She breaks away from the embrace to search her dazzled, glittered pocket purse. A pack of Marblos in hand now as she searches the living room for her lighter. “I need to smoke. Do you want to come outside?” 

“Sure.”

Lisa makes a motion with her feet. Bridget sniffs her shoes, paws at her shoelaces. Only startled for a moment, Lisa shakes her shoe -turns to make her way to the balcony. The girl ahead of her, and now the dog picks up into a pace to follow outdoors. 

The darkness is approaching midnight. 

What source of light allowed is the latter above their heads, a low tone of yellow. A wind chime matching the movement of a warm breeze. The two sit, offering one another a story about their day. As one tells the other, one may have a sense that both here are not altogether right mentally. Something in their respective past has affected them emotionally. And what they do to themselves physically expresses all that is wrong with someone else now a distant, painful memory.

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Public Bigotry and The Outraged

Concerning recent news of crime of another country or city, or the crimes committed by an individual of another culture or demographic- why must the public assume ‘all’ are at fault? Whether the media is to discuss India and its rape victims, Chicago and its murder rates; or Muslim men found guilty of sex trafficking, white person found to be racially insensitive in a debate, etc.. The presumption is always ‘all’, not a few and those individuals that have committed the crimes as individuals. No it is always, almost always, public bigotry and outrage attributing the cause to a collective rather than to the individual(s) or the perpetrators.

If a white person exhibits racial insensitivity then it is confirmation that all white people are racist. Or that this individual is a representation of their group-that being white America (a monolithic phrase attributed).

If a Muslim extremist decides a path to a rewarding heaven is by destruction of the livelihoods of others it is then Muslims as a whole that are barbaric in nature. Never the individual easily impressionable, and easily forgetful in the worth of self and humanity.

If there is a man obsessed with power, or one that expresses his insecurities and sickness aggressively on the innocent not consenting, the public assumes that it is men generally. Men are not to be trusted as they are all potential rapist, abusers or a danger waiting to happen.

These few examples are of major complaints that are read and heard throughout the news today, yesterday and tomorrow. To assume that ‘all’ are the case for danger, a reason for distrust rather than to aim at those that commit their crimes.

The underlying thought here is the obsession with assuming a collective understanding of how humans function in society. With the presumption that we all exist in our respective monolith, rather than as individuals first. The sudden urge to accuse the singular characteristic as the definition of all others similar-without consideration of the diversity that exist in what is thought to be sameness.

I am referring to terms such as ‘white America’. A collective, a monolith-that actually exist with distinctive identities and cultures. Though I’m referring to that white kid in class being assessed by the bitter, yet equally ignorant classmate. This kids heritage is assumed to be that of slave owners, though he may not have had any. This kid’s background of poverty is not related to the oppression or subjugation of others. A finger is pointed at him by the equally bitter and ignorant as the reason for the greater crimes committed by individuals, again, not related to him. However, since this white kid uttered something racially insensitive in class the argument then is about the racism, like his own, persisting in white America. An issue that harms the rest.

I’m referring to that comment made by Margaret and the other following made further down by John. A news story about men who appear not quite white and not quite black, yet they appear nothing like a Christian either. “A group of Muslim men”, they both snort and sneer. The news headlining that all men in the photo provided were charged with raping and kidnapping several young girls and women. It’s a common story of sex trafficking gaining interest among the media reporting something ‘new’ and forgotten. No one else may convince Margaret or John that all Muslim men are not deviant barbarians. No one may convince them-whether calmly in a thoughtful retort; or a call to shame through either mocking or carrying on back and forth in anger. Their thoughts are indeed ignorant and problematic, yet the comment thread has not gained a single light of awakening. “It is my opinion and I have a right to it”, as each reply or will eventually state. What do they say, then, when the Christian rapes and destroys the livelihood of others? Their thought is one of deflection. That  is an act of someone in-Christ like and that person exist as an individual; therefore not Christian. As to assume so would include both as having probability of committing a similar crime.

Lastly, I’m referring to those that believe a culture exist where men are free to rape without consequences. And that rape is a monopoly, held primarily among men-all men with the potential and intention to rape. “Not all men” is a phrase to specify the issue as an individual crime, whether grouped or not. The rebuttal then is that this phrase is offensive as it allows men thinking of self, to not consider the greater cause by the commonality of the victims perpetrators. Include ‘race’ and ‘religion’ to see how this topic becomes complicated. Talk about rape culture and black men and see raised concerns over the constant acquisition of young black men historically and presently accused of such a crime. It is then individual if one is black, to avoid racial insensitivities.

Why is it ‘all’ rather than a few or those individuals that have committed the crime in particular? Not much has changed with these continuing discussions of the same news, though with different details. Those that point a finger are set within their opinions, a wall built of continued anger and distrust. Nothing has been accomplished in argument assuming crime is associated to the groups most distrusted. No common understanding has been formed as such people wish to point and categorize.

From Mars, From Venus

A Google employee was fired yesterday amid outrage over his controversial statement about the differences between men and women in the tech field. The news summary highlighted the comment about ‘biological differences’ being the cause, the reason for the lack of women in STEM related fields. His comment also, carefully claimed that the comment was not meant to upset the cause for diversity in the workplace. Only that there are biological differences that give reasons for the discrepancies in the real-world demographics as related to tech industries.

The public is outraged and in debate!

Both men and women affirming that there are differences between males and females. Concerning the greater physical strength of a male compared to that of a woman. This much is true, however, what does physical strength have to do with using acquired knowledge of mathematics and software engineering-that requires years of study and brain power? As well,  both cited that males and females have differing interest because one thinks more deeply than the other. To the surprise of other commenters, a woman had stated that men think more deeply than women, since women are able to not think as much. Why, she said? Women are better able to multi-task whereas men need to concentrate more so on a single task before moving onto the next. There was an episode somewhere on popular television afternoon shows that attempted to prove this assumption: women are better able to multitask than men. However, are they better able to multitask because they are women or are they better able due to practice? The examples given on the popular television afternoon shows are housewives versus their husbands. More importantly, concerning the tech field in this case, does software engineering require a great deal of multi-tasking? If not, why is this mundane detail included in the attempt to confirm biological differences as the reason for the lack of diversity in the tech field?

Others liken ‘race’ as being the same ordeal with sex concerning the discrepancies in demographics of an occupation. There were a few that stated that black men are more dominate in football and basketball because of genetics. In reference to professional sports yes there is a dominate commonality in both basketball and football. However, does the commenter recognize that perhaps exposure to those sports in particular-or one’s environment in celebrating those two major sports more so than others-has something to do with the common interest? If simply genetics were the cause for black males being so great athletically, then why only those two major sports? Were black men specifically bred for those sports or are they only great due to exposure within their background since childhood? So on and so forth questioning why is biological differences claimed as a justification for the lack of diversity or the cause of a predominance of one demographic over another in a particular occupation?

Simply put, some people are not great in making arguments that are void of logic and contemporary empirical evidence.

Within the debate, women who happened to be software engineers, mathematicians of some kind or simply have an interest in STEM related fields chimed in. They took to their keyboards to comment on the anecdotal evidence of a few women internalizing sexism. Others took to list their qualifications to speak on the behalf of all women in STEM. Though, more importantly, they voiced themselves as women, the rarity, in STEM related fields. Their concern was addressed by others that disagreed with those ‘not great in making arguments’ as well. There are no biological differences between men and women that causes fewer women to pursue STEM related fields. However, what has been proven through empirical research is that there are sociological differences that causes more men to pursue STEM related fields, while discouraging women.

What is meant by sociological differences?

This simply means that how males and females, boys and girls, are raised in a society determines the outcomes of their interest. As well, this greatly depends on the environment, resources and anything else related that determines the interest(s) held within a society. And by society is referring to you and me, we are the people that determines the behaviors, the norms, the culture, the activities and other aspects and concerns within a society. This is all relative to the period in which we are referring to, and the history of the people that is being referred.

For example, at one period nursing was a male dominated field. Contrasted tot today, nursing is female dominated and often contributed to biological differences as being the cause of this discrepancy in demographics. I just made a point here. Today, biological differences are attributed to the cause of women being more predominate in nursing occupation, however, in centuries past men were predominate in nursing [or something similar in name]. What was the reason given then compared to today to excuse the lack of one gender? I’m regarding to a period in which “biological differences” meant women were so inferior to men that their place was not meant in places determined by men to be more of a masculine pursuit than others.

I may go further back in time. Agriculture, farming was once considered a female endeavor, while the men hunt. Though as the technology became more advanced and farming more complex, men assumed the role of being the farmer, while abandoning the hunter/gather lifestyle. This is true concerning the number of female teachers as compared to male teachers today. At one period men were the teachers, and boys were the students. Overtime, as centuries of activism called for the equal access to education systems and resources, we now see that there are more female teachers and more female students-the higher one may pursue in education.

The point here being that in each example given about nursing, agriculture and teaching was never about actual differences in biology- that made one sex more suited for an occupation. Instead this sentence here restates the topic:

“I’m referring to a period in which ‘biological differences’ meant women were so inferior to men that their place was not meant in places determined by men to be more of a masculine pursuit than others.”

That sentence is referring to the changes in social norms and the assumption of a task as determined by a man. As similarly compared to date, a change in social norms and the assumption of a task as determined by you and me. We determine whether girls are more likely to choose social work over astronomy. We determine whether boys are to become a doctor, rather than a nurse. We determine that STEM related fields are to be dominated by men because of the assumption that math and other related fields is best suited for males based, again, on a social norm or prejudice.

It’s the individual’s interest, but environment and society are major factors too.

Others within the debate will say that perhaps there is a difference not due to biology per se, though due to an individual’s personal interest. In that they state women are less likely to pursue STEM related fields as it requires [empirical] logical derivations, where men are less inclined towards socially inclined work. And by that they meant most girls simply like the color pink, whereas most boys like the color blue. Here I ask, how does one know of their interest if they have yet to have been exposed within their environment of varied interest? Here I state, we are inclined towards certain behaviors and interest still due to our nurture, rather than nature. For instance, how does a boy like most boys know that they like the color blue if they have never seen it? As relating to occupation, how does a girl know she prefers math if she is constantly encouraged to seek socially inclined task deemed more feminine? He does not know that he likes the color blue until exposed. As she does not know her preference since she is discouraged from one pursuit.

The greater question here: how are we to determine what boys and girls are more inclined to like or dislike, to pursue or to not pursue, when we do not raise them under equal terms?

The most important initiative of our time is equal access and equal terms. We are largely unaware of what an individual may like or dislike, without influences by society. We are not knowing what boys and girls would pursue if given the chance to become exposed to varied interest and pursuits equally. However, we do know that our interest and pursuits are heavily influenced by society and by exposure. What are the initiatives again? To reveal more women in the roles of STEM. Or to encourage programs that focuses on girls wanting to pursue STEM related fields as adults. In our time we are introducing them to an occupation.

That is all that is required to witness an increase in a demographic within a particular field. It’s not a simple matter of disinterest of the individual as, again, our interest are determined by societal prejudices and what we may be exposed to within our environments. It’s not even a matter of biology, as there is not a single DNA sequence that determines what we have determined and created within our society.

Rough Draft: A Reflection

Lisa S.

She claimed to have loved you. A simple statement covering all the mischaracterization and lies she wrote, to you, while in admiration. She claimed to love you for you. It was your smile that brightened her day. Your thoughts on the latest news, and all other topics concerning politics to religion. It was your beauty she grabbed, and mastered to then coerce your passions for her body and mind. All the physical and mental affirmation of love claimed to be faithful. ‘I love you’, Elia said straining to hold back. “And if anything happened to you I won’t be able to go further”. She only liked you when you were funny, not like this moping about. She only wanted to be around you because you’re different. And there is nothing more exhilarating than to add color to one’s life.

A young woman experiencing that new phase called love, yet she is already burnt out. What did Elia’s love mean to her in translation? “I love you because your mind is tormented and your life is not altogether”. PAUSE. “I love you because right now, you need to hear it”. A waste of breath. A waste of time and energy put forth to make the best of a toxic situation. Elia cares, but she’s heartless and self-centered. Lisa feels emotionally depleted, now. A love seeming to be the end of everything the future could promise in true love and affection. How to take her mind from Elia’s lies? She tried cursing her name. She tried a new love, yet that proved a pointless effort. Every new love a pointless effort.

Ear buds in, cell phone in hand, Lisa subdues the noise within her mind. Scrolling through her playlist to search for passionate anger and frustration about love. Searching for that song, and those lyrics about the troubles of love on a young heart. The song about that girl so trifling and dishonest about her character; deceptive about the cause of her love. She finds it, plays it. From the low taps of the drums to the shriek of the heartfelt singer she closes her eyes- Elia never loved me.



Elia M.

Elia lays with Dylan. Their love will be celebrated within a few months, so something right and special for him is being decided. Something right… Elia knows she will not find another guy like Dylan, as sweet and with patience so rare to find. He deserves someone better, certainly more attentive and sure of who she is and what exactly does she want. A woman that will treat him as the only person that matters most, adoringly and as a best friend. Elia has a best friend, the one isolate and always troubled and in need of comfort.
You love her dearly but not in the way that it is meant. You please her in every aspect, sexually too. Though in your complicated affair you cannot part from Dylan. To spare his feelings is never a contemplated thought as you love him. You cannot part from your friend as to do so would leave her so devastated, bouncing on and off her habit again. You’re not responsible but you feel obligated-to both. I mean Dylan is for your image, for your parents to accept you. For society to see that you too have conformed to what is right. All that fake exchange of pleasantries and then that dreaded presentation of a ring. What would you say if he asked? A sense of hesitation sits on your mind. To erase everything, shake your head, stand up and walk out. Making your way to the dining room you take your phone. Tell Lisa that you miss her.

 

A Heart That Is Gold

After writing Hashtag ‘Talk To Someone’ the thought occurred to me that I should share this fact to two people. I told my mom and I told my only associate. I told my mom that I have a strong desire to just simply walk away. I told my associate that I rather not waste time on another person again, expecting them to be honest and truthful about their nature or character. My mom called me to tell me that, of course, I’m not alone. It’s a mental illness that runs throughout our family, from a grand mother that suffered from a more severe mental illness. Depression is a common illness in my family, something I know my mom to have. She told me that she too becomes depressed, to cry at night. I know the source of her problems, one that refuses to just leave on his own accord. A selfish and self-centered human being, just as the individuals I have encountered throughout my life so far. She told me that she too will cry, only to roll over and to fall asleep. To wake up and to pray that everything will be better. She told me of her distractions too, one that I have been aware of and concerned about as I age. The two parts of the conversation that…when my mom told me that she will cry sometimes, I found it difficult to imagine. You see, in my mind and through my observations growing up, I have never once seen my mom, or my dad cry. Though every time the topic of depression surfaces my mom will tell me that yes, they are human too and that they too express a common human physical response to emotions. I still find it difficult to imagine that my mom is just as vulnerable as I am. Even if I have witnessed her sad, I have never witnessed her to cry.

She told me that yes, as I grow older the more my nature will become challenged. She has always known and accepted that her two children are different from other children. She has had to explain and to defend to her own family members why and how her children are different. Per society standards, as young black people, my younger brother and I fail to be loud, eccentric, or to ‘live in the moment’. We are so different because we both value intellectualism, idealism, concept knowledge, abstract thinking, an inclination to reason and to challenge established norms. All that is considered odd because we are black; all that is considered disrespectful in some cases. An important point to make as this a cause for our experience in being bullied and harassed, as well for others to misinterpret who we are. The greater point here is that we are both quiet introverts, something strange to a group of people that only understand ‘voices are to be raised and heard’. This is my nature, to live in a world that is so loud and demanding for myself to speak up and state your position clearly for us all to hear. What else did my mom tell me? She told me that I am sensitive because I care. And she’s right. I have always been sensitive. I have always been the one to care a great deal about how  others are in their nature.

When I care, I care to understand the purpose and point of it all. I am also inclined to apply logic to what is emotional. As I described within my article of confession, the source of my depressed state has always been other people. Not only the fact that people generally make me anxious and uncomfortable, as I am hyper-aware that they have the ability to judge. People, as individuals who are all typically self-centered, unkind, judgmental and rude. I grew up within an environment where the strongest individuals were those that are rude, seemingly uncaring of other’s emotions and careless with emotions. Though they reveal how truly vulnerable they are whenever they feel the need to take revenge on those that may mistake them as weak. That is to return hatred with hate. Or to not concern themselves with the disadvantages of others by forming an attitude whenever asked for a favor, because the thought of being ‘used’ matters more than a person truly in need.  It is along the lines of this fact and those type of behaviors that caused me to be sensitive and to care a great deal into understanding them. To understand why such forms of behavior are expected to be justified.


Love

I am to apply logic to what is emotional. If you do not love a person, yet you tell them so as an obligated response within a relationship, why do you do it? What compels you, a person with emotions, to lie to someone else with emotions as well? This may apply to your current partner, spouse, friend, or even child and parent. Why is it deemed an obligation to face another human being and to lie about how you may feel about that person? In this society, or as I’m referring to the United States poor cultural habits, we are to lie to a person in order to spare their feelings. We are to believe that initial honesty within relationships are to be forgotten and regarded as sensitive matter not worth the trouble to share and to tell. Though we are creatures with the urge to tell. Instead of initial honesty, some people may tell a person their true feelings in a more passive sense. Instead of telling the person ‘I do not love you’, the unloving individual will purposefully purchase an item different from what you asked for exactly. Instead of confessing one’s true feelings, the person may lash out in anger over something petty or insignificant. As there are many ways to tell a person that you love them without those exact words, there are many ways to do the opposite. For whatever reason the exact purpose or point of this behavior is not understood.

The question remains ‘why do you do it?’


Trust

The idea of trust is foreign.  Actually, Pew Research Center has found that U.S. Americans are unable to trust their neighbors more so now than before. This fact is associated to different environments where poverty and [apparent] crime are heavily concentrated and specific. This fact too remains as our society becomes increasingly more diverse and that our economy becomes increasingly dire. On the subject of relationships, we find it difficult to trust  another person. And whenever a person expresses a sense of distrust in others, not considering those that are in abusive situations, the attitude that surfaces proves to be damaging. The idea of a lack of trust in individuals initially is the fear that all others will prove to be damaging to the person. Then a vicious cycle has been created. One person refusing to trust may become agitated, rude and the like towards someone that may be honest with their emotions.  Then the one honest by their emotions may then become distrustful of others, because of their experience with people that are agitated and rude. So on and so forth until a large population of people warn their children, or to give advice to someone that is troubled-that this is simply how people are.

Then there are those whose fears are confirmed as they are left abandoned in their personal issue to trust. In their minds it is then confirmed that people are not only untrustworthy, but they are just as uncaring as expected. A misunderstanding is then formed as every relationship is either sabotaged or put to a test.


Judgement

The fear to be ‘used’ is a fear to be judged by others. It seems that within our culture we must display a hard surface that is not easily penetrated by others. This is to say, if we are ever to find ourselves in a situation that causes for the kindness of heart we are told to never let it bleed. If we are to allow the heart to bleed we may find ourselves stripped of our dignity; of our possessions, time, money and body. If we are to allow ourselves to be ‘used’ we may find ourselves weak and judged. The last association we should want to have to our name is that we are easy and vulnerable. And the last thought we wish to have is someone, either closely associated or a stranger, to judge us.

So in turn a person establish clear boundaries of what requests are okay. One may find a person reluctant to give another person in need a ride to work. The reason given that it is their responsibility to have their own transportation, so if I were to forget then oh well. They will know. Of course a favor that is offered is a favor given in kindness. However, this is deed is concerned by how others may interpret the action as being ‘too much’. And by ‘too much’ meaning too easy, too vulnerable, well then anyone can ask this person anything and they will give. The fear to be judged, as applies to this examples and others not mentioned here, trumps the act of kindness.

 

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Unsung Hero Commercial

 


A Heart That is Gold

It is those subjects and others more personal that causes me to feel disheartened. It is those understandings I have formed that leaves me to be questionable and concerned about others. But my mom told me, too in this conversation-that I will certainly lose myself in them. She told me, encouraged me to find my happy.  As she told me about her distractions from reality, or what keeps her going and anticipating for more, I was thinking of my happy. I had written in my confession that walking and writing are my happy. If one ever writes something sad or discouraging it always best to end with something that is hopeful or that it is a remedy. I am truthful in what allows me to escape though. I find my happy in those activities and in exercise. Obesity in the U.S. is another anticipated writing, as it was my personal experience as well. I never knew that exercise, taking a risk to lift something heavy would excite me so.

As I partake in all activities that are my happy, the conclusion then is that I should focus on myself. As my close associate told me, it’s alright to focus on yourself now. Then when you are ready to open up and to allow a person into your life again it will be worth it. If someone cannot accept who you are then it is their loss- to forget someone worth knowing about.

I’m not in the belief that my heart is so pure that I am without flaws too. I understand how my nature can be off-putting; seeming to cause conflict with others. This is true that I am sensitive about the greater sense of human behavior, but as far as individual troubles I seem more bothered by the request to listen and to answer. Well, especially since I assume the person is wanting for an answer to their troubles that is based on logic, rather than to simply listen and to agree. I disregard social cues. I may even belittle a person for simply being human without understanding what all I am saying or doing to that person. I am always willing to add self-criticism in addition to what I understand to be flaws in human behavior. I am human too, of course. And I am guilty of assuming one of those subjects of behaviors listed above. My inability to trust as I deny any chance to have close association with others or to form a relationship of any kind. My attitude then becomes of rudeness and being overcritical of how this too may fail. All because of my depression, pessimism and the like.

My mom told me to find my happy, but to also form happy thoughts. The concept here is that if I accept the negative thoughts that only deepens my depression, then to assume positive thoughts will increase my level of contentment. In that time I may attract the same within my environment and with others to be happy, as my close associate told me. In that case, to find what will work is the ability to find a balance.

 

Heaviness of Heart

Negative emotions seeps way down into the very pit of her stomach. Friendless and without a companion, she stirs the feeling of loneliness within her mind. When existing with an innate wanting for companionship, you feel the isolation of being without another person. When existing within a society that craves a companion for the sake of having one, for the sake of never ever being alone, it’ll torment your mind. Why? She longs for a connection of a likeminded person. She doesn’t believe in souls or soulmates, or anything else of the imagined spiritual world. She craves for someone real and likable for once. But not to crave a body, but of a person. A body is merely a vessel that carries the character that exist within our minds. Have you ever thought about that exactly? The essence of our existence, what makes us the person that we are, is entirely composed of neurons and tissue that exist as the brain. She wants more than ever to crave that person, and to have and to hold dear of that person for forever long. This is simply not possible. She exist among a popular frame of mind that being with someone, rather, is better than being alone. A culture shock as she flip through the books of ups and downs in relationships that cares more for a person’s body than the actual person. She is sick, now, as she too was used by past lovers to satisfy this insisting need to not be alone.

She is bitter. An emotion that cannot be denied as she questions the predators of her lonely sensitive heart. Do you understand her or do you simply want of what you see? Do you like her or do you like an idea of someone so insightful and inquisitive that you cannot wait to master the experience of someone like her? Like her to place on a pedestal, like her to use as someone to make up the time and space left and forgotten by a past lover-or so it seemed. You do not actually care for the person that she is, really. She is a place holder within the chapter of your life, as you navigate your wants and need in a person through trial and error. Her limbs trembling with…stress, perhaps anxiety of meeting someone like you. Like the ones that left her broken, sunken in self-pity and regret that she may never let go. She may never trust again.

To exist alone until someone takes her love seriously.

On Dating A Narcissist

I have had unsuccessful immature relationships so far in life, and so far into my adult life. I have yet to experience a relationship whereby the person has not said, towards the end of it all, that we are ‘two different people’. In my mind this is plainly obvious that we are two different people. I do not understand by the key break up line-that concludes every relationship that I have had-that we are too different to be together for an indefinite amount of time. Here, I’m thinking these geniuses are truly and remarkably blind. How did you not know that, in the beginning, I preferred talking insistently about abstract ideas and of society, whereas you preferred the behaviors in the expression of love [i.e. cuddling]? How did you not know that my version of relaxation is to nap and to sustain knowledge on various subjects at once, whereas you wanted to go outside for play? How did you not know that I prefer meaningful and thought-provoking conversations, whereas you assumed I required frequent responses of infatuation and laughter? I was certainly aware of such differences and of others more personal. Why are you only aware towards the end of it all? Or, a better question here, why do you assume that awareness of differences is a sign that we are a mismatch, or too imperfect to remain as a couple?

Some people tend to assume that true companionship is with a person that complements in a way that they are ‘twins’. They are the exact copy of the other. They are the reflection in the mirror that they wake up to and either reluctantly stare or smile. I cannot bear the thought of being with someone that is the reflection of me. Not that I do not love myself. However, if I am to want someone that is the exact version of myself or somewhat similar then I rather be single. Why take on an extra bill for takeout dinner, or to purchase matching outfits for my personality doppelgänger, when I can do so cheaply and alone? What satisfaction is there, for myself, if I am constantly surrounded by my own mindset, beliefs and ideas when my personality craves for different opinions and intellectual arguments? I enjoy the debate between individuals, preferably with someone who is different. Now my character, my personality resembles that of the Carl Jung/Myers-Briggs personality type INTP. I do not give much weight to astrology or personality typing, however I find it very helpful to explain my nature and character-which is considered odd and rare to most people. As I crave intellectual stimulation, I have been accused of wanting someone who is of that exact type. I have been accused of, towards the end of a relationship, of being a narcissist. Why is that? I insisted on doing something that is of my character to do. Howlever they are mistaken. I wish to create meaningful conversations with people regardless if it is of their nature or character to argue. I wish to engage their minds, of their thoughts and opinions on various abstract thought or of society. This person need not to have a preference for doing so, as I find arguments or any sign of disagreement scares people. I crave different experiences from those of different backgrounds, so that I may better understand the greater subject of humanity. If I had some exactly like myself we would write a book together. While that is all fine and anticipated for future collaboration, I have not gained nothing more with someone who simply wish to analyze and to retain as well.

Do opposites attract then? According to the article, ‘The Science of Narcissism: Why We Really Just Want to Date Ourselves’, relationship ‘twining’ or a person wanting a complement is greatly desired. As a side note here, I will reference the article that first presented the idea from my original search. Then I will follow the links provided by the author in order to find the original topic or study published. I have found that Business Insider will have authors linking to a previous Business Insider article- for more views I suppose. The original article cited included a study about how humans, as all animals, tend to have or to seek partners that bear similarities to their parents. The comparison used was the hair color and the eye color of the person’s partner compared to their parents. The study claims that there is a form of genetic imprinting that conditions us to continue a preference for certain genes. This may be the case for basic, instinctive tribal survival. However, in a more modern world I would see that this is more of a cultural familiarity or preference due to some perceived ideological necessity. For example, the black activist that insist that interracial dating is futile to the radical and never-ending upset nature of one. And since this study indicates a bias towards heterosexuals or those that engage in opposite-sex attraction more so than others, I find the study to have little understanding of human attraction.

But can opposites attract then? According to several articles, though one I’ll site here: ‘Attracted to Your Opposite?, people do prefer their ‘twin’. This is a chemical balance that we are unable to detect, but are sure to know when we find someone exactly like ourselves. Essentially, if you like something, then you like what you like and will seek out that likeness in someone else. While others enjoy a reflection of themselves in others, there are those that are truly attracted to opposites. This is to say that everyone loves differently and in regardless of their reason. The point that I agree with is concluded within the article about the subject of love. It is concise-love is ‘the simple ability to overlook everything you cannot stand in someone’. I have experienced that precise point. To be aware of such differences, but to make it work  regardless because that is love.

The Nature of being A Female, The Expectations of being A Woman

I only know that I am sure of myself when I make a definitive claim about myself without hesitation. When I can relay a thought to someone important, and close to me, without assuming regret after that moment. I’m sure of myself whenever I’m no longer fretfully contemplating the disaster of emotions that could be lashed at me. I am then free to tell another, so on to tell many others. The first moment I have ever been sure of myself was at the age of 16 years old. I had came out as a lesbian to my mom.  I remember she had just walked into the front door of our home from work. This was also a weekday after school. From what I can remember, I laid my belongings on my bed to forget about them. I had told myself that I need to tell her something. She did her usual routine to check in on me. I had told her “I need to tell you something, but I’ll wait until you finish your bath.” She told me okay and went on to do her after work routine. I was studying her routine pacing back and forth from her room, to the hallway passing by my open bedroom door, then to the prepared bath water and back again. I didn’t think anything of it, perhaps she had forgotten her night gown or thought she had heard something. Though on her fourth trip to the bathroom she halted at my bedroom door. Walking into, still in uniform, she said ‘What is it? I can’t wait.’ She sat down beside me, on my bed, I told her. I do not remember my exact words or how I explained myself to her. But I do remember her facial expression and her words after. She looked down, was hushed by her words to tell me that she was ‘disappointed.’ From what I remember about that evening, she then left to finish her bath, while I was in the kitchen. My dad had snuck up behind me with his hand on my shoulder and said “it’s alright, come on out with it” then left. The part of this coming out story that I tell others was my mom’s disappointment. The most important statement worth repeating over again. My mom has an identical twin sister, who is a lesbian. Why, then, was she disappointed? I am my mom’s daughter and this fact carries more weight on certain hopes and expectations that a mother would have for her daughter-as a father may have for his son. A parent and child wish to identify with the other as the child is the product born of the parent. Specifically, what did my mom’s disappointment mean at that time? Based on my interpretation of her character and of our history together, since I never thought to ask her directly-she thought I would never be her ‘little girl’. She never disowned me, in this sense ‘to never be’ meant that I would never talk about or to complain about boys. Or in the future to talk about my man, however good or trifling he may become. And then to the greater point here-that I would never enjoy dressing like a mature doll. I would never share her interest in being feminine, or what society tells us that defines a woman. A woman to love a man and to submit to his will and authority, then to potentially have children. This is how I have interpreted her disappointment and continue to relay to others whenever asked. However this is not my coming out story but how I have come to terms with my sex, gender expression and the sort. Instead, I’m discussing the idea of being feminine in a way that made me repulsed by its very implication and expectations thereafter.

Forgive me here as I explain our, human female, basic function and contribution to a community. The basic nature of a female animal, specifically a human being here, is to bear the child in order to ensure the stabilization of a present community and to ensure that there is a new generation. Forgive me here, as I explain the basic standard of a woman in modern society. The basic expectation of a woman, based on the history of heteronormative standards enforced within a patriarchal society, is to be the specific attributes of being feminine. Her being feminine, then, regards her being as the compliant and submissive half. Within a materialistic society, her being feminine is more likely to be respected, yet still grossly ogled and hyper-sexualized in various aspects and venues. It is expected of her to express her being feminine in an aesthetically pleasing form. This is meant for her clothing to accent her curves, hips, breast and the like. She is told to remove the hair from under her pits, from her legs, back, face, navel. She is told to shave the difficult-to-reach-places, or her vulva. Then told to remove her brows, to draw new, symmetrical and indivisible thick black arched lines as a replacement. On top of all else, as a black woman, to disguise her natural hair in terms of chemical perms and hair straighteners. The most controversial of them all is to braid her natural hair, to then hide or to ‘protect’ her natural hair with weaves or wigs-synthetic, horse or human made. The modern woman is faced with more burdens she may gleefully accept. I’m referring to the jumpers, off the shoulder to strapless must have looks. From the cost of cosmetic face mask that alters her appearance so greatly, she goes from the average woman to the human adult Barbie doll. Or might I add, the human blow up doll with her contouring narrowing her cheek bone line, nearly resembling that of a sex dolls mouth. All of this is defined as feminine, and all that has left me repulsed since as a child. The images alone as I have described left me overall disappointed.

I remember exclaiming about how proud I am that Muslim women are fighting back in the East. They are demanding that their being feminine is not be simply regarded as a means for male pleasure. Or somewhere along the lines that they’re subjected to something submissive based on their sex. The article and my comment was posted on social media. The reaction was an ‘angry emoji’ face by a woman self declared as a proud conservative Christian, who is accepting of her submission to her husband. She was offended by the comment. I will always rejoice whenever I see women that refuse their basic functions.

I remember as a child that I had always rejected being a girl. I rejected the dolls, make-up, long hair, painted nails, dresses and perfumes. I hated what was expected of me as a girl and what I may have to do as a woman. My mom would always give me lessons her mom had told her about being a woman. She would tell me not to accept a man that made poor decisions for our marriage and for our family. I couldn’t help but take this lesson lightly as I witnessed the hypocrisy within our own home life. For instance, I rejected that I had to iron my dad’s clothes whenever asked. I often argued as to why I had to wash the dishes after he had cooked a full course meal for himself. Why did I have to clean around him and after him? Why did I have to sweep the dirt on the floor, from where his work boots lay? Why did I have to fold the laundry after school-that every member of the household used, when my dad was at home all day? You have to understand that I had a tendency for logic even as a child. In my mind I did not interpret the requests of my father to be of a parent to child lesson. Instead I interpreted the requests as demands that a man make and that a female must obliged. And to put this point more clearly, my dad would expect either my mom to do so automatically though she in frustration, while he would ask me but not my younger brother. During that time I was unsure if I was bisexual or a lesbian. However I could not bear the thought of being with a boy. Then, later, I could not bear the thought of marriage if my dad was the example of home life.

I had rejected that as a girl I must reveal my feminine being. As a child I was forced to wear girl-specific apparel, since according to my mom, at the age of 12 years old I need to dress according to my gender. I hated how the clothing fitted, revealing not only my childhood obesity but the curvature of my body. I hated how it was to emphasize my waist. I hated that I had my chest prominent. I rebelled by wearing my jackets, every day to school. I rejected being feminine by being the difficult child in clothing stores. I wanted to be ‘plain Jane’ to hide my embarrassment and discomfort. I wanted to wear large oversized jackets to hide my chest from the longing gaze of young boys. I wanted to hide, to disguise any indication that I could be feminine. I not only rejected myself, I was repulsed by any female that overly expressed their feminine being. For instance, shopping for clothes in my mom’s favorite stores wrecked my nerves. I hated the chit chatter of women expressing their love for all materials excessive and unnecessary. I also hated their laughter. I was nerved by the clinking of the clothes hangers; the screeching swoop of the hanger gliding along the curved metal bar. I was bothered by my classmates exclaiming their love for boys, their need to carry purses, their instance of starting drama among each other, etc. To this day, at the age of 23 years old I am repulsed by all of this expression.

By another title this is called internalized misogyny. I Googled the term for clarification, and found an article on ‘Everyday Feminism’. The author listed four examples, the two of which were high school aged clichés. Or a young female wanting to feel connected with the boys by downplaying her feminine being. The latter two being of adult women explaining how to be a “real woman” or conforming to the exact implications and expectations of being feminine. The source was not meant to be helpful here. However, internalized sexism is a real concept that affects both males and females engrossed in society’s expectations. What I can explain here, about my repulsion, is that I have always preferred neutrality. As a matter of fact that is my approach in life or to be neither ‘this or that’. I’ll explain.

As an adult I have always wanted to wear more masculine clothing as it is the close way to being neutral. This has taken some time, but I have recently acquired a wardrobe full of male attire. I have since transitioned my hair from long and permed to naturally curly. I have recently began sporting the hair cut, the natural hair fade that is all the rage. Now my outward gender expression is apparent, the questions that I receive are to be expected. Family members and associates ask me now if I wish to be a man, now that I am also lifting weights and wearing cologne scents. What am I suppose to decide? I’m left with two gender-specific hair products that are meant for curl enhancing. They are in essence the same product, but one is flower scented with honey bees, while the other smells like cologne… Jokingly, I tell them yes I wish to be a man, but no. I often imagine my body with a penis and hormone-enhanced handsome features. I’m already mistaken as a young man whenever I am in public as I am called ‘Sir’. Or as I am stared at by startled women in a restroom designated by women; stared at by young men that think I’m handsome too.. No, I am comfortable with my female body. Not so much comfortable being labeled as a woman, not as a man either, but I adore how I can express a different view of being female. My family, my associates, assume that since I have denied all there is to being feminine, I must wish to be masculine or to be a man.

I am more masculine of center because that is what is offered in clothing stores, a strict gender binary, and that is how I can best express neutrality. I embrace the curvature of my body, however do not feel the need to accent it. I embrace my breast, but feel uncomfortable wearing a regular bra that isn’t a sports bra. The appearance that a sports bra allows in my shirts is flattering to my wide length shoulders. And I suppose I understand now why I am still mistaken as male in thin shirts as my bosom protrude. I accept that I am human. By doing so I allow my body hair to remain, even under the pits and difficult-to-reach places. I’m not bothered by the faint hair on top my upper lip, and the line of hair on my back and navel. I enjoy the fact in my appearance I’m no longer expected to do or to be what is feminine. However, I am a female, yet I express a different view of being.

Why does being feminine bother me so? I’ll tell you. I was raised as a female or as a girl. And with this experience comes the unforgiving expectations on how I am to act, think and feel. In the same breath that all determines how I am to behave and appear before others. Since I was raised as a girl that is to become a woman, I was raised to become one of the two restrictive gender social constructs. And since I was only allowed the experience of one side I became repulsed, and overly critical of one. But I am learning now that I am just as disturbed being labeled as a man. The point remains that the idea of restrictive constructs placing a barrier, an expectation onto myself is repulsive. Just as women are to submit, the man is expected to be dominate and aggressive. Our society is now acknowledging the harmful effects of hyper-masculinity on young boys that fall prey to violence and the sort to prove themselves. I remember my feminist sophomore high school teacher asking all of the boys in the class “what expectations about being a boy, a man bothers you?” The class room was silent. The teacher then ask the girls to help out the boys to get the discussion going. Eventually a few boys spoke up. One said, the need to feel and to be physically strong, as he slightly raised his thin arms. Another stated ‘that we cannot cry’ or that boys cannot reveal their emotions as that is regarded to be a feminine trait. Some of the girls chimed in that boys should not cry. Just as women are regulated to their biological function, men are expected to give the seed of a child’s development. This is fact whether we agree or disagree on who is pressured more so to have children. I must challenge here that if there is a pressure for women to bear children then that too is the underlying pressure for men to provide women that additional chromosome. Since I am unaware that human beings have naturally developed to being asexual as well. I was exposed to one side of this strictly enforced binary; therefore, I am critical of what feminine is defined as, what does it mean and how it applies to myself, a female. As an adult I am faintly exposed to the other and take issue with its expectations-though I am less critical because of the lack of direct experience.

I am bothered by our societies insistence on regarding human beings to their basic functions and purposes. As I am deeply troubled by the additional, more harmful expectations of both men and women in a traditional, modern, or materialistic society. Since I think and observe, then to criticize others, I must stop and think, then-am I also dissatisfied with the limitations of the human form? Since once I a remove the clothing I’m no longer mistaken as a man, at least not as an ‘other’. I am a female-leaving no room for expression of neutrality as it only exist in the materials and perhaps my behavior in long exposure. What I’m conveying here is a conflicting thought, as I go onto public forums and criticize the queers and their need to use a label to define what clothes they wear or wear on a particular day or point in time. I criticize and challenge their need to use a label, or no label describing a label to define why their hair is dyed bright green, purple, pink and hair is shaved short and off to the side. I tell them that their gender labels, all excessive, and those without are simply defining themselves based on the clothes and hairstyles, body accessories they wear. Underneath are a pair of testicles, underneath there is a vulva. Internally there are testes, or ovaries unless the person is intersex and rare. This is my criticism to the trans community that I feel as I do, actually, however they choose to conform and I do not. They partake in the heteronormative viewpoint; reinforcing the binary by insisting that they are the same as natural born men and women. I hear your concerns. You were told as a child that Barbie’s and make-up are for girls, not for boys. Therefore, logically concluding on that premises that you must be a girl-not a boy that likes dolls and express other feminine traits. I’m not critical of those actually experiencing gender dysphoria. I am critical of those that felt odd and made to feel odd by society- that they have denied one extreme so they must be the other.

I criticize them for doing as I do, yet I excuse myself from the non gender binary talk as I am not ‘queer’. Queer is defined as being abnormal; historically, a derogatory term used to describe lesbians and gay men. No I cannot rejoice that an offensive term, which is still defined as such, is reclaimed. This applies to words like ‘bitch’ and ‘n-word’ as well. Despite this disagreement, we are the same. There is definitely a segment of every population that are repulsed, offended or just cannot fit within these restrictive constructs of gender. There are millions of us out here that can relate to not wanting to conform, and awkwardly rebel by labeling what is binary as not binary. We so desperately wish to have a society that is not so specifically defined. This is impossible. As the vast majority of gender conforming people would retaliate as they are doing so now. We see toys are more so gender specific. We see now how important the gender reveal is as they express pink for girl or blue for boy inn cakes, pop-up boxes and even in colored car exhaust. We see the denial as threatened gender conforming men ‘witness the ‘pussification’ of America’, specifically of boys. We cannot convince the majority to be rid of the binary as it required for their ease of identification.

If it were naturally possible I’m sure we would opt to be able to change at whim, naturally. There is an episode on X-Files where Dana Scully was seduced by a human gender and sex shifter-but for some wacky alien ritual practice. Some time in the future of evolutionary progression, this may become an instinctive need. I wish we had the option for neutral, neither ‘this or that’. For now the limitations challenge our reasoning, and forces us to label the unalterable. We may suffice this need by mix-matching women and men’s designated clothing. We may do so by cutting our hair short and off to the side, etc. I must emphasize that this concern is not secluded to the lesbians, gays, pansexual, and bisexuals only. This too applies to the heterosexual, forced to conform. I had to explain this to my mom too.

Two weeks after coming out to my mom we had to endure clothes shopping once again. I was 16 years old, finally finding my voice in preferences. I wrote down once, for a school paper that I was never allowed to express myself as a child, as a teen. Sure my mom asked for my favorite color to decorate my room with, but she never asked me about art or anything else expressive. I finally had a chance to argue my point. She told me that I did not have to wear boys clothing because of my sexuality. Well I told her that my sexuality had nothing to do with my clothes preferences. I simply wish to be comfortable. I don’t want the ruffles, I don’t want the colorful flowers or diamond stud belts. If there was an option for neutral I would take it. She digressed, yet again disappointed that this too was not a perfect match.