What Is Maturity?

Subject: Wendy’s interview with Area Supervisor Mike

Job Posted Position: Assistant Manager

Location: Alpharetta, GA

Time: 10:00AM, Mike’s arrival 10:32AM

Upon first meeting I’ve seated myself near the main entrance of the restaurant. The General Manager, in assumption here, tells me that the Area Supervisor will be a few minutes late. A few minutes turned into an half hour; and there he is seen before the door to be let in.

Brief introductions were made with a smile and side glance.

‘Let’s move away from the door.’ He says as he leads me to the seating near the second door entrance. I’m more so aware of small gestures and manners that may indicate discomfort or a person not as prepared. The difference from where I was seated to where the new arrangement felt more comfortable was none other than the left to right side of the restaurant.

I began with a disclaimer: I have recently moved, though have yet to find a printer to update my resume. However, what I do have is a previous year resume with main relevant jobs listed in order and accurate still.

With slight understanding and half listening Mike instead begins with a speech about people and how we are able to pick up and to sense something about a person. A long speech really, and one just as patronizing as his age group is stereotypically fond of reenacting towards someone clearly younger-assumed severely naïve and inexperienced.

He stated that my job ‘hopping’-something that new times and generations are more so doing to gain a leg up in income and competition for skills not at all willingly trained-was of a concern. Either the problem was myself-as he gave an example-or I am unable to tough out a situation until the work environment calms again. I had to interrupt several times to state on the contrary. The first job I was promoted from cashier to a manager in 3 months because I toughed out a situation of a General Manager (GM) fired suddenly as well majority of the crew leaving in protest based on loyalty. I worked 3 different positions simultaneously without complaint from customers understanding that I’m trying my best to serve them. I clocked in over 50 hours a week while attending college full time with work load of a senior student. I am more than capable of toughing a situation as I was sent to another location for my job at present. Both the GM and the Assistant manager quit, so I was put in place to string together a severely short staffed restaurant of the busiest location in that district, as a low level manager. I can tough a situation, however I can recognize abuse and managers above my rank unappreciative of my sacrifices to sleep and orderliness. I recognize that my first job essentially gave all responsibility to me, yet faulting me first thing if I had done something insignificantly wrong. All the responsibility forced upon me, yet I was paid the same amount as my low level manager title entailed. Same with my job at present, I was due for a promotion at the struggling location, instead someone from outside was hired and trained to take my place essentially- as I trained him. I can tough a situation, however, I recognize abuse and neglect.

A sign of ‘mmhm’ read across his face.

The new attack was about the amount of experience in number of years. It does not take 10+ years of dedication to know a job so effectively that one is due for either a promotion or job training elsewhere. As I witness with my present temp job (second job) that number of years does not translate to skills and knowledge. Some then become too comfortable, lazy even. As I witness at present old timers feeling threatened as I rearrange their departments that follows the modules, pricing and proper location for the merchandises. Their first reaction is to find something to tell the store manager that ‘the new people’ are unproductive.

His next point in speech was about age. How do I manage someone older? He had assumed I managed primarily teenagers. On the contrary I manage adults and have managed adults previously, though I’m of the mindset that age being a requirement of respect as beyond ridiculous. We all know an example of someone older yet still incompetent at their job duty and function. I have met someone younger, yet competent. While I witness someone older, set in their ways, unwilling to compromise and to allow fault. I have witnessed younger workers apologize to the heavens of what little they have done wrong. At last, older workers behaving immaturely towards someone younger managing over them. So I say to anyone if you’re upset that someone younger is coaching you then no one else to blame but yourself. I have the same expectation that if you’re upset with me because of my age-switch shifts or quit as I am here still. My expectations remain the same: simply requiring workers to do their jobs or to go home so I may do it myself.

Mike being unable to state what exactly he took issue with me, all I can assume was age as the speech continued about age and experience. I had to ask, how long has he worked for Wendy’s? His record of decades of dedication at the same position, but now will be replaced by someone younger. I concluded my assumption of him as someone feeling old and bitter.

I’m typing this as I take a beating every time for my youthful looks. I have a title of management, a life of a settled adult, yet questioned daily about my maturity and knowledge.

As social creatures we judge people based on their looks. Someone beautiful more likely to lead an easier life, as we are biased in agreeing with someone based on physical appearances alone. Same with age, as social creatures we assume the more wise depends on years numbered and experiences countable. We may assume the older person knows more, has more in terms of skills simply based on a number stated of years lived after birth. On the other end we may assume a younger person as naïve and so inexperienced that whatever opinions or options that one may give is moot or ridiculous.

The beating continues and I have to either find another situation or to prove myself to the older person clearly immature or feeling threatened. That my reasons for doing something or saying something is no different from yourself. My place in the work environment is no different than yourself. What we both share is a means to acquire some financial gain to live. The only competition is which person performs the job well enough with enough experiences proving better to handle any task similar or out in another field.

If your first jab in order to be considered or to consider one person over another is consulted to age, then you’ve lost the meaning of maturity.


1935- A Masterpiece

Well in the difficulty of writing novels or poetry. The tradition has always been [to describe things that have happened] you imagine them of course but nowadays everybody all day knows what is happening and so what is happening is not really interesting-does not really thrill anyone, it excites them a little but it does not really thrill them. The painter can no longer say that what he does is as the world looks to him because he cannot look at the world anymore, it has been photographed too much- now he does not want to say it because seeing it is not interesting. This has something to do with masterpieces and why there are so few of them but not everything.

Gertrude Stein

Here is an explanation of why masterpieces are so few, now-due to familiarity. There was once ‘awe’ in the unknown; so we have religion and spiritualism-past and those existence still influencing millions at present. There was once interpretation of reality displayed artistically. A display drawn or painted to reveal nature as a deconstruction, an alternate reality or even as an absence. So on and so forth with examples that describe what Stein was stating in her time that it may be difficult for generations to construct something beyond generations to come.

What is a masterpiece? It is most importantly a writer or an artist best expression of their self and mind. The work of art is highly revered, imitated, even displayed in a different artistic manner. For example, a book turned into film for a wider audience to appreciate the words visually enacted. However, this is all subjective. One person adoring Little Women may not enjoy No Country for Old Men. I must say that I enjoy the latter over the former.

Onto the point of subjectivity: what Stein is stating that artist now-still relevant to our own time, are not as inspired to create the best expression of their art. As a result these artist are not as intriguing as they could have been in another time, environment and so forth. As well, critics may say the artist subject, interpreted in any fashion, still cannot captivate imaginations that are exposed to all there is- it seems. Therefore, masterpieces are so few.

So I ask how do we inspire a new wave of eager minds ready to interpret what we all see and know too… This is a hard one as I agree that films are too uninspiring despite the technology to prove realism. We may laugh more at the finer details of CGI effects ‘so terrible’ of a horror film that we know are to display fictional imagery. The point being we were not made to forget that it was simply as it is-technology. Just as artist once made audience forget that ‘Little Women’ is simply a story of ordinary lives of female siblings of a point in time remote from our own. Just as ‘No Country For Old Men’ is another drug crime film. Or Vincent van Gogh painting his world as he saw it best. It is nature that he saw, a room, basically that he painted. It was himself, we know that he painted. However, someone that deemed any one of these listed above as a masterpiece was made to forget-instead became intrigued or even inspired.

It’s a trick of the mind that we seek-to take the world as Stein stated or to take from what we know to then create. To create more until the peak of one’s performance has been mastered. The art reflecting the best version of ourselves, then our art.

However, this should not be the point of creating something. Though it’s becoming a demand by all critics that all works of art must be worthwhile their time- short in attention and appreciation.

Alias Grace

Imagine, if you will, that you are a woman and your position in life is already compromised. Your body indicated for servitude both for vocation and male sexual desire. Your voice is silent before you speak. If you dare speak you are hysterical, or worse a whore not worth given credence. Your mind is easily susceptible to bad spirits and incomprehensible thoughts simply because you are born of a sex religiously deemed devious.


That is Grace Marks, a woman determined so by natural devices, at the age of 15 or 16 years old. An Irish immigrant already expected poverty. Already, so early she is to be told by society what her body is good and useful for and that is servitude.

Every order given to her is expected of utmost obedience. Every action by her own is acted as innocence.

If she ever denies any order she is suddenly ‘filthy’, a ‘whore’, or ‘untrustworthy’.

What stood out to me in this miniseries is the ‘doctor of the mind’. A psychiatrist named Simon, given permission to have sessions with Grace in order to stir her memory of the events again. Then again, what memories are there to stir if the events of murder were never seen or properly recollected? Regardless he was curious, always on the edge, sleepless even to know more about Grace and her story. Simon had supposed that Grace was either somewhere along the lines of insanity or a woman who had found a means to break away from the suppression of her body.

She had become clever, he thought even. To express what one may think is rage against what was done to her and any other woman; or to express her anger of suppression. Suppression- that is to clean and to care at so young of an age. Suppression- that also means to give her body to any man’s will with a command for her consent. She had then created an audience with her hysterics. An audience composed of wealthy gossipers and then potential romantic partners, including Simon. He then supposed that that was her intention, even one that cost nearly her life.

It’s definitely a curious subject here. If you were a woman of that time period-and had to witness what that meant exactly, would you become a fiend to speak on it?


Another yesterday news described the sudden death of a 10 year old. Under the constant agony of children too limited to understand that words in fact hurt, the young child had committed suicide.

Some of the first defense by adults is to blame the victim. The victim was not tough enough. The victim should have been taught to fight back. The victim should have been taught to meet violence with violence, and to equal harsh words with their own. Why the need to ‘toughen’ the victim with this idiocy-a world where we are expected to be cruel and nasty? Why? It’s with this understanding that the world isn’t nice and life isn’t fair, therefore only the ‘weak minded’ may slip away as the ‘strong willed’ succeed. This is life and this is the first lesson.

What, just why should there be a need to defend at all? Not just a child, as this issue extends well into adulthood- and we wonder how young bullies are shaped and made. We are always taught to, or even expected to allow the bully to win over our minds and confidence by engaging them in their own struggle. If we lose, yet live we proved our worth still, even if it may escalate the bully’s intentions. If we win, we proved our worth, may even expose the cowardice of the bully. If we fail to meet the pointless challenge to the bully’s ego it is then society that hounds us for not defending our worth. And it is pointless to engage as with this understanding we allow the bully to control the situations of either a life scarred or of sudden death. We then make it seem as if the bully is in the ‘right’, while all others unable to or not willing to engage are in the ‘wrong’.

I mean I understand the pointless matter of this challenge all too well. Growing up not understanding why I, quiet and only concerned with myself, would find harsh words lashed at me. Or to hear of false assumptions about my character used as a weapon. Or in some cases, being physically ridiculed in front of witnesses to test my patience. I had only lost my patience once. This extends from memories of an 8 year old to that of 21 year old in college, in a communal situation. For the life of me I could not understand why I was tested, essentially. Comments made about my appearance, lack of engagement in social settings, etc, etc. I had to be told that it’s a game we play to disturb the peace of an individual so that their worth is proved. Again, only once did I engage. He kicked me and laughed so I kicked him back, madly. All that I learned is that I was furious that my peace was disturbed and I didn’t feel any better being just as equally cruel and nasty. He had won me over, and I played his game. All other altercations I ignored with my face quenched or to show that I was slightly annoyed but no longer listening. At some point I had allowed them to talk, to laugh and to point at me until this became ‘boring’ to them. Left alone only for a moment, for another person or group to test me yet again. Until now no longer.

I was never driven to suicide or self harm, but depression did take a hold of me during these times. Not that their words and actions hurt me, just that I was more so hurt that this is how they were towards someone seemingly different. And hurt by that I must endure this treatment to be taught a lesson, or to be told ‘this is simply how people are so get on board and play along or become left.’ For others like myself we may move along and endure, others play, and some others ‘fail to defend’.

We shouldn’t have to allow our world to be met and decided by that of a bully. We should not have to defend, to allow the peace of an individual to be disturbed. This too should be taught and engrained into our children so that they may forever silence the adult bully. We should not have to do anything other than to counsel the bully, to source the root of their unwillingness to live peacefully-as the problem lies and first begin with that person.

Mud Bound

Movie story lines usually leave the story that I find more interesting. Here in MudBound (2017) the story about the woman leaves me interested for more.

The story begins with a woman describing the mud surrounding the home, really a shack-like place on a farm. The year is near the end of World War II. Men are being sent back home to where they no longer belong; one other sent to their grave. It’s another story about familiarity and the effects of a changing environment. You know where you have gone out to experience that there is more than the world you first knew at any age. So you’ll find any means to escape, or to find someone else to relate. In the end you may or may not find that place where you belong, but in this film the men will do.

The woman.

She is already nearing her middle ages and not yet married. A woman from a family middle class meets a man assumed to be similar in social status. By no means is she a farmer, nor does he mention his background to her. But as women are expected to be told at a later time, whenever it’ll suite him to reveal that there is a farm he wants to plow and a nice farmhouse he wants his family to reside in. ‘You’ll like, you’ll see’. She must hush her initial fuss about this news of moving on from what and where she is familiar.

Through some scheme and false transaction, the dream home for his family is just that-imagined. Instead he moves them to the shack, among the ‘blacks’ but we know in this time another word was stated. At this point, she looks about a house with a leaking roof, mud all around ruining one of her best dress heels. She can only tolerate so much, and so she tells him she can only tolerate so much up to this point.


Outside of her element she did learn a few things. She knows her way around a shotgun. She’s not too squeamish about the initial acts of providing protein for her children. She even became accustomed to not bathing for most days of the week. However, once the children became sick her ability to care for both her children and home became too overwhelming. In fact, help turned into ‘I can’t do this (alone)’. In the slightest, the black tenant farmer on down the road somewhere must lend his wife for paid assistance.

At first the woman is strong, allowing her new environment to teach her a lesson about survival. However, in an instance does she give away her power ‘to know’ to someone who knows more by traditional upbringing.  I want to know more about her story, as it turns to love instead. I want to know how did she manage to cope once the black tenants packed and moved away.

How did she come to find where she belongs?

Well some people are fortunate to find where they belong, soon as the men do. However, not the woman. In any indication where her story ends her life is that of a farmer’s (sharecropper) wife, still outside of her element. Inside her home is a piano and books, fine China and whatever else the white tenants down the road somewhere are not familiar. In any other case she proves to be unfaithful, once again to marry the first man that saw her. But now no longer sheltered she knows her desires, still she assumes a voice whenever in objection to her husband. Where does she go or does she simply comply in slight misery til death?

In those times, back then I’ll assume she remains in slight misery.


Coming out from a decade ago to incidents that have occurred recently, both women and men are coming forward with stories of sexual assault, harassment and abuse. The fingers are pointed at our upper class-the celebrities and businessmen, as well as our politicians.

As I can only assume that most of our population in the U.S. understand and accept the  sincerity of the accusers of all ages and positions; however, there are still those skeptical. These aren’t simply men who fail to comprehend the truthfulness of the victims statements-despite their age, there are women too that make similar comments. As in,

Why now? (Why not when the incident of abuse or assault occurred did these women or then girls did not come forward to the authorities?)

Here we go again. (These women are simply buying attention from the media.)

Why does it matter now? (As in I believe these women, however fail to understand the purpose of their accusations now as they proved themselves successful or beneficiaries in their careers.)

These are simply allegations, no charges have been made and the media/social media is not a courtroom. (We do not know for sure if these situations are truthful or not. In any case we have a court and rule of law that should properly investigate, judge then rule on these incidences. A trial by media causing the lost of jobs is unjustified.)

With these common statements and questions by both, some, men and women is an admission to the overall question, really a statement: Why now?

Any ‘now’ or moment in time takes courage to speak of. As I have had women confess to me about their brother, their pastor, father, uncle, neighbor, friend or teacher. The time is irrelevant, what matter is the act and how it deeply silences the victim. As one woman confessed to me that her brother had molested her for years, but she did not want to alarm her dad. Her dad, a single father providing financial necessities as he worked all hours of the day and often leaving the children home alone. However, she said after some years when she finally confessed what had happened to her, her father believed her. Her brother then later confessed, confessed of other children he had silenced and sought help.

I witnessed poetry spoken by women who were raped by their fathers and how she still deals with the emotional aspect. Still she is haunted by memories. A few came forward right after the act, others had come forward years later. The point again not being about time it is about courage. And in stating ‘courage’ is not to belittle the people that have faced abuse of some kind, yet have not come forward. You know this isn’t about comparison of who has the guts to say something its simply that it takes courage to do so.

In asking that question, too, is a form of silencing. As I remember in my studies about accusations of rape and assault in high school, I remember a statement made by either a teacher or by the textbook. It was somewhere along the lines of how our society become especially protective of men as women began to come forward about their assault, abuse and the like. Yes some were proven to be false, as our media reporting on these claims have found a couple to be false. However it shouldn’t negate the truthfulness of all other women, but it does some times. So we, as in our society, automatically assume the innocence of the man before the woman because of the need to protect, the need to silence from harm of knowing. Why now? Well the victims are not only breaking the silence of the act, they have to break the silence placed by our society.

For example, a male is victim of sexual harassment by women. The first question by the immature is, well is he gay, a homosexual? Why would a man reject attention from a woman? I mean that is desired in a heterosexual male, regardless of age. However it is not. And to deny the unwanted advances of a woman is no indication of his sexuality, only his ownership of his body. However, the immature understands this point only if the male victim is sexually harassed by men. Therefore, he is free to speak without scrutiny, but the first question asked again is did the male victim evoke violence towards him? If not, again well is he gay? A way to shun men based on homophobia, a repulsion of feminism, is another form of silencing a victim. A silence placed by our society of how men are ‘suppose’ to act and react to such situations.

By this question, ‘Why now?’, the skeptics are admitting to the fault of the accused and as well admitting to their own encouragement of silencing the victims. Though without this desire to self reflect on their comments made is also admitting the need to silence harm from knowing.



Trump America

Around this time of the year of last year I was in great disbelief. Donald Trump was running to become president of the United States of America, to run as a Republican. My skepticism concerned his sincerity first, or perhaps his personality as a celebrity business man proved to be to much of a joke. This sentiment remained true for all others I spoke to whenever the subject arise. IS he a serious presidential candidate?

Well the people, meaning my rural hometown largely Christian and conservative loved him. As I live in the suburbs of Atlanta, certainly the middle class Christian and conservatives loved him and still do. As I move further to the mountains of my state I see the giant Trump flags and billboards raised proudly alongside crosses and confederate flags on private property. Certainly he is loved and my state by a large margin thought he was, still is, serious about the presidency. T America

Alright, then he is something new, something different and not bound by rules of etiquette as our country has witnessed in the past. I will honestly admit this is why I doubted his sincerity. But, he is our president now and more so this year I have become silent on the political debates and divide under his name. I wanted to read the reactions to his decisions, how he made decisions. I wanted to hear his reactions to common issues that divide and rebuild U.S. America’s trust and compassion for one another. You know, to sit back and to observe without further judgement or concern to how well he leads a country rather than a business.

That’s why he was a highly considered. I remember the chimes of conservatives demanding a business man, a man like themselves to finally become their voice. There they have it, a man given access to wealth through privileged means. He went on to turn a million dollars into the unnumbered fortune he owns now. A successful business man in the real estate industry and as well known for his show ‘The Apprentice’. However, he had stated that his presidency will not become about him and how well the government controls people. Instead, he promised a country ran by and for the citizens of the United States.

Today’s ceremony, however, has a very special meaning because today we are not merely transferring power from one administration to another or from one party to another, but we are transferring power from Washington, D.C., and giving it back to you, the people.

For too long, a small group in our nation’s capital has reaped the rewards of government while the people have bore the cost. Washington flourished, but the people did not share in its wealth. Politicians prospered but the jobs left and the factories closed.

The establishment protected itself, but not the citizens of our country. Their victories have not been your victories. Their triumphs have not been your triumphs. And while they celebrated in our nation’s capital, there was little to celebrate for struggling families all across our land.

That all changes starting right here and right now, because this moment is your moment.

It belongs to you.

2017, Inauguration Speech of President Donald J. Trump

This statement made by our current president has been my greatest concern. How is he addressing the concerns of citizens? How is building the transference of power from government and politicians to the citizens? In those two questions, how well is he ensuring a pathway to a government for and by the people?

A few of our major concerns include: Healthcare, Jobs, and Student Loans.

Healthcare: There are disagreements on how individuals should or should not pay. However, the goal on such a divided issue should be to find a compromise. And to that to listen to the people, and address accordingly. So far the goals to ‘Repeal and Replace Obamacare’ has been bent and focused to upend a previous administration proposal and act. Not at all about addressing which provisions of the Affordable Health Care Act worked well and what others should be revised or thrown out altogether. And as comments on conservative talk radio and additional comments made during the voting process of the new failed proposal, the people simply wish for a  bipartisan compromise.

Jobs: Our nation has become increasingly a service based economy. This means that jobs prospects for people are typically in the service industry as the manufacturing jobs are shipped over seas, outsourced. This change in the economy has affected those like my father that depended on manufacturing jobs for decades. As well this change in the economy as made it difficult for young males that were typically the workers of these industries. As it shows more young males are being out paced by young females in terms of education and job prospect. As well, an effect on towns and cities that depended on manufacturing as the center thriving point of their respective economies have declined.  Based on President Donald Trump’s tax reform, he aims to reduce corporate taxes as a means to allow manufacturers back into the States again. The “biggest winners will be the everyday American workers,” he added. In this quest include the conversation about wages as not only taxes are of major concern by corporations. There are regulations, wages, insurance, etc. that are major business concerns in providing U.S. citizens with viable jobs. Therefore, if President Trump aims to provide jobs for U.S. citizens, to bring back the old economy, he is admitting to benefit the businesses first before the people.

Student Loans: Our nation is shackled by an increasing debt of young college students and graduates who are to become the future of the middle class U.S. America. Already unable to find employment in their respective fields or even remotely similar, they rely heavily on the service industry. In doing so, jobs that pay barely minimum wage make for paying off thousands dollar amount in debt difficult and really impossible in the near future. For those that do pay struggle to spend money more freely and to purchase rather than to rent- or to live for free with relatives. So far the solutions are about reductions to payment based on income, though the concern still remains.

In order for power to be transferred, first the concerns of the people must be addressed, placed into action and met. It’s only been nearly a year and he has so far addressed these few major concerns at least. Therefore, based on his first year performance he has not achieved the approval rating high enough to indicate that the people are witnessing a pathway to change.

His supporters and voters certainly approve of him, congratulating him on achievements made. As it seems, most citizens are asking, what is there to congratulate him for exactly? His supporters will say that he his making a pathway with his proposals, and orders. On the contrary, he has not.

However, this is only nearly a year and in the next year to the fourth one may we better compare and judge for election time.

‘Where Is Everybody?’

The first episode of the 1950’s series The Twilight Zone answered my own fears and anticipation about loneliness.

Human beings, as animals, are social creatures that thrive in a group and just as well as a pair. We see this fact played out in most films and television shows about the ‘last man standing’ or some devastation that left a few or two alone in the world. The common expectation of quarreling; selfish behavior and aggression matched to detain the selfish individual played out. The individual cannot undermine the whole and the group requires all like minded individuals to survive. It’s a survival instinct.


Last Man
No one else to escape with in talking about nothing in particular.


And as well, if he is found to be alone, his sanity is lost as he finds no purpose for his voice. With most films, if he is alone and now silent, he’ll find some way to seek civilization.

Isolation. A sudden removal from all others and all subjects familiar. This is what defines loneliness. At times I dream of my own experience of it.

A plane trip gone wrong but I’ve lost my memory of what had happened. A small boat slightly moved by the waters. It’s abandoned and I do not remember my trip to this muddy, wooded lake side. But I take it, push it along, to jump in and to forget where I last left my life. I play these two scenarios over again in my mind when I find myself wrecked by emotions so overwhelmed. I do not imagine the trip to where I find the definition of loneliness. I think in that instance it’ll become a fear of death that’ll force me to survive. A sudden sense of grief as I leave those that do care for me wondering, abandoned. Other than that I never play out what is to be expected.

Somewhere I land on a beach side. I’m too frightened still to venture into the woods behind me, so I have just landed or its been a few months. About the only thing I know how to do is to fish, but to build a fire proves to be more difficult than what it seems. I suppose this is why fire, greatest success our human ancestors made left them too tired to venture into other technical success. Seriously thousands of years past by before the next latest invention.

Of course I’m suffering through the will of nature, finding discomfort. I’m uncomfortable in my surroundings, though I convince myself I could build something in the future. I’m inspired as that is all it takes for me to feel motivated in conquering my surroundings. I must convince myself that I could do something. Somehow take pride in my accomplishments as I learn through several trial and error scenarios to simply build means of conveniences (shelter, tools,  warmth). Still I find my discomfort met with frustration.

At some point, a replay of this sense of longing and wanting remains with me. This is where I end my dream. I was longing for the memories of places built by people. I wanted to witness again people going about their daily life. The news, the disagreements, the bitterness of people unable to properly vent their frustrations accordingly-I day dreamed about it all. A certain smell from home town. It’s the smell of factory farming, so not at all pleasant but nostalgia will have you missing the worst part of something.

The quiet of country living, something I miss that is reality not a dream. As a child and then a teenager I thought that I was alone there. Trapped in four walls I sent myself off to bed as I laid down to provide my own source of entertainment-that being my imagination. I would dream of someone like myself going off on a day dream that I am dreaming of now. A young girl outcaste, so she runs away. Though she finds herself moving back home again for what is familiar, really to seek a familiar face. She learns that she wants someone, a companion. I would lay for hours dreaming of another person’s anxiety about their society. The story dreams would keep me with comfort, but still depressing as I thought this was worse. Trapped in my own mind in the quiet of the country.

What is worse then, to fear loneliness. To fear being apart from all others, or to live so far and remote that you have no one to even share this dream with. That is the worst fear of mine. Perhaps the worst fear of everyone else, as it seems.

I witness middle aged women filling a void in their life by living superficial. Women addicted to materialism all to fill in the gaps of being alone, really. People forming relationships so quickly out of habit and out of fear. Then with the age of the internet and social media we have trolls that turn out to be just as much as a loser as they are bullying while seemingly anonymous. There is a void, a lack of happiness, a sense of loneliness. We fill it the best way we can, as I had done with the story dreams while living quietly. However, still, the worst feeling is to have no one and no sense that others where here with us.

Your God Has Funny Ways

Reflect on stories of those people whose works-art, writing, composition, and the like-are now highly regarded. Some have lived to witness this appreciation and to benefit financially from the success of their popularity. And so many of them choose to give back as a favor; gracious of their followers, fans and admirers. Then we are reminded by short articles of their beginning, some of them being humble. Those are the stories I’m finding that I need to read carefully now.

As I’ve confessed somewhere deep within a long emotional vent about my depressed state over some woman. I’ve revealed my struggles as a recent college graduate vaguely in my ‘About Me’ section. Yes I’m one of those recent college graduates that performed well academically and had received honors, though she declined recognition for most of them. One of those first generation college students from a small rural town limited in opportunities and access to proper tool preparation for college. As well, one of those children whose parents never graduated high school, so up until a certain point in middle school I was on my own academically. And to top off my personality, at first young and shy turned to understanding what introversion and a-socialization means. This all means that after a year of my college graduation date I have not been successful in finding a career. I lack the privilege. I lack properly networking skills to ‘know someone rather than to use what I know’. To top off my socialization skills are poor. So I’ve confessed somewhere along the way that I want to become a writer.

But this is more so difficult as I do work and I work and work for a living to afford to live first. I am independent in my mind and mindset, so I’ve sought ever opportunity to make more money above minimum wage start-off as I could. I began as a cashier my junior year in college. As I struggled to explain why I had yet to find a job before I turned 21 years old. I’m from a small rural town where opportunities are presented to the teacher’s children then everyone else with friends or family connection. So imagine my depressed state as I tried to find my first job for 6 years before I was hired by mistake in identity actually. However, I proved myself and became manager in less than three months. I’ve learned to say ‘no’, so I moved jobs to be a manager with more pay in such a short time. I’ve collected more financially sensible bills so I needed more raises, more reasons to work and work. So I’ve found two jobs that paid what one professional job would pay me if they were reasonable to my lack of experience.

I’m washing dishes, dumping grease at my second job. My primary job I’m listening to customer complaints, from those people who are suffering somewhere in their personal life. This isn’t for me, this is temporary, this is not the career pathway for me. However, I need the restaurants; I need the money to care for my bills and now for a roof over my head. I need this experience. I need something else.

I need a roof over my head. I confess somewhere that I am homeless. I was homeless, just moved into a home yesterday with what restaurant work can afford. Before I moved in, three days exact, I lost my second job.

I was laid off without proper warning, but at least they gave some courtesy and a gift card worth $25.

In such disbelief I began applying madly to jobs still with restaurants. Hopefully to find one struggling so they’ll accept me quickly. I shot out 15 quick-apply applications in less than an hour as I worked my last hours of my second job. I went to my first job later that night to talk out my frustration with my work-place associates, since they know my situation. At some point, I managed a quiet crew as I cried my heart out throughout my shift. I mean I was working but I couldn’t stop choking tears, so I took over a crew position to block my face from customers.

My mom called me frequently to reassure me that ‘everything will be alright’. She told me, ‘God has a way of opening you up to something new, whether you believe in him or not.’ I’m respectful to her and her beliefs, I remain silent during the religious part. But in my mind I’m thinking, well your ‘God’ has a funny way of speaking. I’m forced out of a relationship and a home the beginning of this year. My car breaks down three days after that fact. I mean I managed to get a new car so I could travel to work and to find work. However, that meant I lost financial support from my father selfish and bitter. I have to pay my own bills. This meant homelessness at some point. I needed a new job or a job in addition to what I have so from February to July I applied to jobs shutting doors in my face due to lack of experience. Due to I just was hired at one job, so will she leave us so soon too? Then, your education is listed here, surely she doesn’t need us, she’ll leave soon. And so I told the one that finally hired me, to please disregard my education here. He asked why. I said no one will hire me, and I need this job. He hired me, in my excitement, but under false pretenses. I mean for this second job to tell me that they have not turned a profit since they opened in 2014, so they are closing this one and three others. When hired I was told that you were expanding.

You know it happens, but this is happening so frequently all taking place within a year. My true self is an opportunist so I will apply and talk like mad to get something, to get more money. My depressed self just nearing the edge of self-destructive thoughts. So I write instead to calm myself and to balance my thoughts. Writing is what I view myself doing some time in the future and so I write with this new free time to do.

I know I can become successful. I use the short burst of time I have to write all I’ve been thinking of since I was working those hours, so many stories and thoughts are left lingering on my mind.

Going back again I remember charts and slide shows of those now popular with humble beginnings. Some were homeless, restaurant workers, similar to myself. Some were depressed and nearing self destruction, similar to myself. I must think that I will be where I want to be, but life is as it is worded.

Creature Comfort 

Now and again I’ll have a song listening session where I play my favorites introduce to me through childhood. I’ll listen to the rhythm and blues as they suggest love but hint at something sexual. I didn’t know but still appreciated the flow and how the artist related best to the sense. Though I was too young to guess how and where exactly. 

Grow into teenagers I was left rejected, yet embraced by those outcasted. They were the skull crushing, black dyed hair with purple somewhere. Somewhere, but not as dramatic as their hair. Ripped sleeves covered their arms but I wasn’t like them. But I was intrigued one day by a grey CD player left on the lawn of our end of the year down time. I ask for to listen. She laughed a bit but said sure. And so I listened to something falling out and romance. I have to say that I was curious but I put it back to where I had seen it. 

Then one day I enter the dorms wanting to become lost again but I wasn’t feeling smooth talk like I used too. No, no I wasn’t feeling the rock I had asked to be introduced to anymore. No, no I had to open my mind to experiment more about myself. What do I want to listen to…

I plug into a song. At random I choose research over guessing. Here I have found the music that speaks to me-thoughts and emotions wrapped in one. The best way to describe the feelings I have-20 something year old angst wrapped and rhymes with drums and guitars electric to acoustic. I could say this one song is a rap verse but nothing at all like mainstream. This other sounds a bit country but more complexed with melancholy. And this one right here, I feel through my bones of this literal sense is right. I can dance. I can even cry to it. I can actually be lost on repeat. 

Creature Comfort 

And so what do they say? The girl hurts but so does he. Both are trapped in their own minds and want to be released. So they take to what is popular to express their needs-to be all like the rest crying for importance. Still, they hurt and can’t take it no more. Still, they hurt. 

I find myself wanting to dance to wails, screams, and cries for help. No matter how I’m feeling I’m craving raw emotion eloquently to uniquely expressed that kind of is…truth, actually. 

And so I play on repeat-sounds that resonate within me.